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I did something new today. I did yoga for the first time in a long time and it was two types i'd never done before. Angel mentioned a while back that when you shape you shape through your body. So if your body is soft and flabby then you're shapings are going to be soft and flabby.
So I've been looking for something to not just do cardio to get me into shape but also to work on my muscles. And I figure a class called HOT yoga full of hot girls might be more interesting then a gym full of guys doing weights :D Also doing a sample class of poledancing next week. Cause hey sexy and muscle building is way better than some boring exercises with weights :D And did I mention the hot girls :D
It poked actually a lot of buttons when I was doing it. At one moment I was doing some pose and it felt like i unlocked something. Like some rush of feeling suddenly came up. I'm not sure what it was.
I also felt small, mousy. A lot like how I used to feel all the time. And when the teacher told me I was doing fine and that its ok doing the lighter version of things cause thats how you get up to the harder versions I burst out in tears. I felt so out of place in a room full of these girls with lean bodies who could do all this stuff so well.
So I hit a lot of body issues stuff and something similar came up yesterday. That was about being good enough to be called beautiful.That part of me only feels like I can call myself beautiful if I look a certain way and have reached a certain weight goal. Cause then I'll deserve it. The same thing popped up today with thoughts like: how can anyone call me beautiful. I don't meet any of the standards. I worked on talking to getting those pieces out cause I figure I dont need pieces inside telling me that kind of nonsense. They standing in the way of me and my decision and me and my goals.
This has been the theme of the week with monday starting out with Angel talking about women and beauty just last monday. And me finding out that my decision of choosing sexy over pretend smart actually makes perfect sense as opposites. Cause the pretending to be smart is trying to fill the hole of not feeling beautiful. And it will never be able to do that. So deciding to be sexy is a step towards actually seeing myself as beautiful. And meaning it.