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Posted by on in Personal journey

Even though the website says I am A3F, but a few months ago ish, I have made a switch to A1F. Angel said that I been stuck on A1F things and said that it would help me to play A1F for awhile. I was baffled at first like "whaaat, me?!" Idk why, but I saw it as some special thing that only special people can have. But we're all people. :)  I also had a big thing that says "I'm not allowed to play, and I'm not the favorite child" I never felt like one anyways. In a strange way, A1F represented more of what I have been wanting and for awhile I was trying to say A3F did that for me. But since playing with A1F, my teachers says it's been working out for me, and it suits me more, and I feel more free! Free to do what I want. :)

I still haven't been able to complete the switch tho, still deciding, is cause part of me still likes some of the things A3F has. And part of me misses it a little, but I feel as an A1F I understand A3F better, like I can see things clearer. It is a bit like waking up from a bad dream into a nice fun one too. And I know it comes with a big amount of joy because when I tune into A1F, it's like part of me goes "YEAAAAHHH THAT! THAT THING!" But I'm still unclear on what that means. :)

I also learned A1Fs have a shiny thing they lean on, so I picked the most obvious shiny, the Angel/Kirael doAni. I have other ideas about my shiny, but whenever I try to explain it, it got complicated, so I just made it simple by picking the Angel. :)

Posted by on in Personal journey

I suggested to an online friend today that she might want to consider poking around this site and taking the elfpath demo class.  She wondered why I would suggest it if I haven't taken basic myself.  The site is fascinating to explore.  The youtube demos of techniques are useful.  The two energy manipulation techniques I learned in the demo class are starting to feel 'normal' to me and integrating well with other things that I do.  I feel that they have enhanced my ability to notice and respond to emotional reactions.  That's a good thing, very helpful.  I think not starting basic a few weeks ago was the right call for me; I really think I needed that time to get comfortable with GCB and SWEET, especially relearning how to ground differently.  I wish there was a good middle ground between taking basic and not taking classes at all.  Some of the minors interest me a lot but they don't seem to be available to students who did not take basic as a prerequisite; same with the course after basic that does have things I would like to learn including working more intensely with my energy system.  Basic itself though does not appear to contain any energy manipulation techniques beyond the first two in demo.  If I had unlimited money, I might grit my teeth and push through basic to be able to take the classes that interest me.  If the next basic class that starts is at a much more convenient time, I might consider it again and rethink my options.  There are things here that I'm interested in, things that I think are valuable.  Why not suggest it then?  It doesn't hurt for her to look and decide for herself.  I do wonder if that makes me hypocritical though when I suggest that she check out something I'm not sure if I'll ever do.  It leans towards telling instead of showing by example and I don't want to be one of those people. 

Posted by on in Personal journey

Since I got blue belt (august 2013), I been really messy for awhile, but since winter (december 2013) I been trying to get back up on my feet. Something changed today though I can feel it. I also have a clearer idea of what I really want now that I have better understanding of myself and what I been doing.

First off, since I been fussy about it a lot and lots of drama about it. I learned that I been reacting to big strong sexuality energy, so there's a big strong piece that came up, which kept freaking out pieces inside. But, I learned it's just simply a response and that's it. I also learn that sexuality, no matter how I do it or express it is a big normal part of being human. So I've actually been learning about becoming human a looot. And that taking Ro's advice, I should give myself a break, and recognize that there's a lot of garbage I picked up on and was taught while growing up. Plus, I keep picking up on people a lot lately, as Ro been consistently reminding me that just because I'm shaper doesn't mean I'm a solid rock, so I been picking up on other ppl's sexuality gutmuck and mess and ideas on it. It did seem strange that I now suddenly blow up more about it, so there's a new thing and there's that picking up on people and my own mess put together. So yes, I am now officially treating it as simple as possible and giving myself a break and try to enjoy the process. I even randomly opened up the Hafiz book to the poem, Becoming Human. Plus the Heart's Coronation was also a great fit.

Also, doing more a3f the past few days! I have a clearer idea of what I want. I really want to work on making the Elfpath process less messy for people. I want to make it more clean and easy going, so people can overcome their mess easier. Yes there could still definitely be challenges, but that's my goal. Making this ride more fun and easier to do. :) I also really want to work on communicating what I notice better while being big and strong while I do it. I also want to really practice on making my own decisions.

Posted by on in Personal journey

Whenever I journal, I'm just going to pick a pretty image for the day, and then maybe when it calls for it I'm just going to use a theme.  Anywho, I just wanted to update since it's been ages since I journaled, and I mostly avoided posting anything due to feeling insecured. But I decided I'm going to do more again anyways and update more again anyways :)

My process has been messy off and on, plus there was some holiday messy at this usual time of the year. Although today even tho I still felt a bit messy, there was some relieved feeling somewhere, which is likely due to the yay new year thing everyone's feeling, and that the holidays are finally over with. At least until valentine's day.

I just want to communicate with everyone that I'll always be here, there are messy times sure and times I'm messy, but I'm always around to the best of my ability. The only thing that'll probably keep me away is probably something very big like if the entire world decided to ban internet, or something unknown to me.

Also decided to graduate and leave the University of Iowa after this semester. I will then either 1) move to where Storm is right away, or 2) Visit Elfpath HQ in NL right away THEN have my return ticket be where Storm is, Charlestone, South Carolina.

Only thing is I'm unsure how much money I can save up: My spending list is only this:

  • Books for University classes
  • Catching up on Elfpath Classes payments (Only one behind)
  • Food and basic living supplies
  • Mailing some packages to Storm (moving my personal belongings in otherwords: mostly just some creative supplies i have, shoes, white board, plant, and whatever the suitcase won't hold, which isn't much) 
  • Airline ticket for def. SC, or maybe both NL (to) and SC (return ticket)
  • and some spending money for NL maybe 

Only time I'll get coffee out or something like that, is when I work cause I get coffee for free then. I just... don't know if it's possible for me to get to NL atm this soon, but I really want to go even tho there's some insecurity with going back like I feel like I won't be able to meet my own or everyone's expectations of what I'll be like when I return to Elfpath's HQ.

Plus, basics, lots of basics and doing simple.

Posted by on in Personal journey

Hello everyone. My name is Gabriel and I am a new student here at elfpath. I wanted to explain why I joined up, so here it is. First and foremost, I want to use elfpath as a mean to discuss issues of spirituality. I am a very spiritual person. In my adolescence, I used techniques I learned from others and my own intuition to enhance my psychic powers, which worked great. Then I had some difficulties which lasted for many years, and my meta senses regressed. I want elfpath to make me remember what I forgot. I also want to make new friends. The Angel talks that I saw, and the support from Jasper, Teddy and Storm convinced me that this is the right place for me. I am eager to start. Teddy pointed out that I might have to work on asking for help and relying on others. I am already encouraged by the emotional support I find here with my new friends. I can't wait to talk with all of you others I am not yet acquainted with.

See ya,


Posted by on in Personal journey

Hello To all;

I have been around, just been on the silent side.  I am listening to alot of Angel talks, and he is showing me things I didn't know before.  I have been so impressed with these videos.  Its also helping me relax, I do want to continue on for my Yellow belt, but I have some blockages going on, that I need to over come.  

Its not been easy for me, because of what has happened so far in my life, with Teddy's grandma's passing, and now going through probate courts, and dealing lawyers, and legal stuff, but with more than one piece of property.  I am also working alot of over night shifts, with my clients, in Mental Health group home.  Where they  requested me to go.  Its making me very tired during my long days.  Now, sorting out alot of my old things, like clothes, and useful items.  TO share with the Goodwill people, that will eventually help those more needy people.  But I am still around, and wanting to continue with EP.  Just going through alot of major changes for now.

In the mean time I feel like Angel is self teaching me (or that's what it seems), I know its meant for all of Elf Path, but I am learning alot from him, and I am eternally grateful for him, and his candle light that seems so peaceful.

On the upside of things, I am currently on working on my first children story book, its soon to be Published, It's called 'Abby is Crabby'  looking forward to seeing it done.  

 I will continue here, at a later time.

Posted by on in Personal journey

Last week, my aunt turned 70, and was celebrating big this weekend. Almost everybody came - my parents and grandmother, my brother and his wife, my cousin (her eldest daughter) and her husband from Suriname, her younger sister living in the city we celebrated in with her family, my youngest cousin and his girlfriend from Berlin, and friends she kept or made along the way... The only one missing was my youngest cousin, but there's a story behind her not coming, which I only know bits and pieces of...


I felt kinda torn about being there. It was a long and expensive drive, and there are issues between me and my closest family that I'm not entirely ready to deal with. But surprisingly, neither my parents nor my grandmother, not even my brother brought anything up. It was my sister-in-law who said something to me.

That night, I thought I wasn't mad at her for saying what she did, but looking back I know that's not true. 

We were talking a while, about different things, and I mentioned that I was looking for a job again because Lidl let me go. And she immediately asked why and told me she was worried about me. A few months ago, I got a huge amount of money from a pension fund my parents had made for me and dissolved so I could study in Switzerland. That money was gone before I came here, and my family keeps on telling me how bad that is. My sister-in-law even told me that they're two people and don't spend that much money in that time, especially considering I was living at home. 

Yes, it's bad that I went through a couple of thousand euros in less than half a year. Most of it went to getting my car and license, insurance. And to my trip to the Netherlands. And I did spend too much money on trying to be an independent sales person. It didn't work out, and I've learned from it. I didn't get a return on my investment in it, but I took something out of it. 


So I was sitting there, listening to her tell me why she's worried about me. And after telling her why I was let go, she went on to tell me that I should be able to keep a job at Lidl and asked me how I expected to keep a management position if I can't keep a job like that. I did go defensive over that. I just don't see the comparison here. I only worked at Lidl because they gave me a shot, and because I didn't have any other income. I didn't have any fun doing it, and every day I worked there I was counting the minutes until I could take a break or could go home. More than that, it has absolutely nothing to do with what I studied before or what I'm studying now. 

But according to her, no job is gonna be fun all the time. When she said that, I didn't think much about it. But later I thought "wait a minute, what the monkies? I'm supposed to keep a job that has nothing to do with what I learned or what I wanna do, that's never fun for me? And if I can't keep a job that I don't enjoy, even though it's pretty simple, I won't be able to keep a job in the field I studied?" 

Forget about that statement making no sense and being entirely illogical. Isn't that one of the first things we learn in Elfpath? I don't want to get comfortable in a job just because I have it and it pays. I want to do something I enjoy, where I can get up in the morning and be excited about what's ahead. Sure, maybe I'm not far along in my process yet to have fun with my job all the time, I may have bad days. But still, I will do something that I know now will be fun most of the time. And even more than that, I'm a shaper. On my bad days, I will just it more fun, so they will be good days. 

A few years ago, I probably would have thought the same thing. But I'm so grateful I could let go of that mentality. Why should I want to do something that's no fun, even if it pays? There is something out there for me that will be exciting and fun and just epically awesome to do, and it will be that 99% of the time without me having to make it fun. And by the time I found it, I will be able to make it 100% fun all the time. 


Maybe I even found it already :D

I was also talking to my cousin's girlfriend. She's a music performer and just an amazing person. Years ago, she told me she was working for a cruise ship company in the call center. And they had this deal where, when you worked there for a whole year, you got a cruise for free. But only two weeks before she hit the 1-year mark, she got the chance to go on tour with her music. Now she had the choice to make to either stay and get that cruise or quit and go do what she loves and wanted to do all her life, and see where that path would take her. She chose her dream to do music, and now she is a fully independent artist with her own label. 

And I told her how amazing that is, and that I hope to find something like that myself. I mentioned that I want to start my own business, and that I could do it with Marketing and PR, but that I wasn't sure whether I wanted to do only that for the next 50-60 years. She said something similar to what you guys have often told me: you can always change it later. You're not stuck if you chose something today, and you learn in 5 or 10 years that you actually want to do something else. Nobody but yourself is making you do what you're doing. If it's not what you want anymore, just do something else. 

She does have some experience with that too. When she doesn't want to be on stage with her music anymore, she wants to open up a fashion store. She even did a test run of one in London, opened it for only a month, and it was a success. She knows exactly what it's going to look like and what it's going to be. And she will do it eventually.

And in a way, i have something similar. I know I want a home office, and I know exactly what it's going to look like. That short conversation got me to telling her something I hadn't even thought about in years. When I was studying in Germany, shortly after my high school graduation, I always kept saying that if I didn't get anywhere with studying social sciences, I was gonna be an interior designer. I had done that for a few friends, and I was good at it, and it was fun. 

As Teddy suggested, I will find out what I can do with it. But it's definitely a possible career option for me. A shaper interior designer - sounds awesome to me :D

Posted by on in Personal journey

Had a dream last night that woke me up feeling such a sweet sense of love. After I wrote down the dream, I went outside and felt like I was able to start focusing more on the feelings that carried over from dreamtime. I felt like my heart was open, like a curious young child who is just exploring a playground or at the aquarium. This young innocence. I felt this appreciation and respect for myself and everyone/everything around me. It was just so light and open and sweet and... loving.

I walked around a bit and noticed some things happening inside. I found my 3rd going a little crazy, like the 'rules robots' I have running around there going "eep! Nope nope! Hide that away! That thing is scary and you can't express yourself that way or else you might get hurt/its bad/blahblah" and it trying to reel back the heart. I am working on making sure my 3rd is *not* in charge, and that it's my guts that are in charge. When I was feeling this love, it felt like it also had a mind and strength of its own. That strength is not something that can, or should/will be ruled by the constraints of the rules of my 3rd. I think it's tried for a while (and I've felt this sweetness and love at times before), but now that I have more awareness, I can catch what's happening when I feel this love but then start to feel it get reeled back in again.

When I was inside and told Ro about what I had felt, she had me read a Hafiz poem, No More Leaving, to Katherine, who listened with her heart. I did so, and it brought her to tears, but I didn't have quite the same reaction. I suppose I'm not quite there yet. Ro said that it was as if my heart wanted to open up and understand and listen and get there, but it was hesitant. She asked me if I had given myself permission to have green belt, that it's okay to be up there and work on this higher stuff too (and not have to take 5 years to do it). I realized I hadn't really given myself permission, and then the song You're the Only Thing In Your Way by Cloud Cult popped into my head: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FtiglB5w2oc

It was such an amazing feeling, even if I felt it for a short amount of time and probably in a small way for now. But I want more of it. And I want to be me and experience the world with this sense of openness and loving for myself and for others around me. Not because it's the "right" thing to do and would make me a "good" person, but because it feels so natural, like it's who I am (and who we all are) really deep down. Combine this with my strong/dominant/healthy male energy/strong A2M/etc. after I grow a bit, and I know I can do some pretty kickass things. I can do some pretty kickass things already, but I know as I continue to build up inner strength in the guts and build up more confidence and hold a healthy male energy even stronger, then I will be even more kickass in this world.


I want to feel and experience and share and be more love. So I decide to walk the path of love!




No More Leaving



Some point

Your relationship

With God


Become like this:


Next time you meet Him in the forest

Or on a crowded city street


There won't be anymore




That is,


God will climb into

Your pocket.


You will simply just take



Posted by on in Personal journey

The other day Ro asked me to heal her finger for her. She had cut herself on a box in the freezer and it was a rather deep cut and painful. So I healed it.

I started with the surface, the place where it hurt and the cut was. And when I did that she said it started tingling.

I then proceeded to focus on what was causing it. I find I don't need to know what that is. I just focus on the thing whatever it is that is causing it and focus my energy on healing that and giving it what it needs. And then Ro suddenly said: what did you just do different? Did you do the thing where you focus on the cause? I said yes. And Ro said: cause I just felt a big ... [dont remember the exact emotion] all of a sudden and when I traced it it was the cause of this cut!

Yay! :D

And then I went on to do more healing on the cause and she said: whoa and now this other feeling comes up and I can tell it was under this first feeling causing it!

That is cool Susi! 

And then she said: wow I feel better now! Not just the cut but all over! :D


Yes that is very very cool! My healing's getting more effective and I get instant feedback that I'm doing things and what I'm doing :D

Yay want do MORE MORE MORE!  

Tagged in: Healing

Posted by on in Personal journey

Stop...ask yourself, what is my motivation? Is there joy behind this? Is there positives behind it? Will it bring more love? Or is it based in fear?

So many times I have heard and few times I have taught upon this subject of fear vs love...but only now am I beginning to really get it.

So many times I want to take an action, I want to lash out at someone over something...and slowly but surely I will ask myself...what is this, love or something else? Once I begin to notice the fear, I stop and start to adjust the attitude, the perspective, and try and create a positive...


The other morning I woke with and for some strange reason my thoughts were with Storm. I couldn't help but think/feel that she must feel so alone during this time. I remember what it was like to come back from a long stay in the Netherlands at the EP house. How coming back to the states, being surrounded by people who will probably never understand all the changes and amazing things you experienced. How they won't understand the love you experienced and lived. I remember how I was just so depressed and would cry most night because my chest was just in so much pain. How absolutely alone I felt. How I couldn't talk to anyone about it and still haven't really shared what happened in the Netherlands. I thought about how it kinda makes you want to crawl into a cave after it all...how badly you just want to go back.

I thought about how horrible it is...and thought that...how horrible wrong is that? You come back from the most important, most amazing time of your life, with so much knowledge and more understanding of yourself and love. How much power you tapped into and all the amazing things you felt, saw, did, and now know how to do. It feels like you should be wanting to go run down the streets and just go give all of that to everyone you meet...that people should be welcoming you into their homes, should be celebrating your return and asking for the stories and wisdom....but instead you get sick and lay in bed for days in the worst heart ache. It's wrong, and I don't want to stand for that. I want those people to come home to a space they can be celebrated, a space where they can share and be understood if not just accepted. To be so on fire that other people around them start to burst into flames. For there to be a more powerful surge of love in action, love shared.

I thought, this is what it needs to be...than I realized...that if I were to create a space for that, it would be an EP house. I realized, this actually is something I want. I want to create a space of love that just keeps expanding. And where I don't agree with every part of EP, I know there is heart. And I want to tap into and spread more of it...and I want it to be contagious. I want to see the people of EP jumping out of their seats at the opportunity to practice love. To give it to everyone, strangers and friends alike.

I realized it was a fear holding me back from taking these actions...from taking a lot of actions. And that, that wasn't acceptable at all. I realized my fears was running that show...and that was going to stop. So now, more than ever. I'm watching and before I take action I stop and check myself...why am I reacting this way? Is it fear or love? Why am I trying to choose this action? Is it because of a fear, or a love? Does it need to be adjusted? If so, do it.

Event today I really wanted to be lashing out at people. I was bored, tired, cranky, and hungry. Was dealing with lots of anger which hurts so I tend to get even more grumpy when I am hurting. Hurting people hurt. I started to lash a bit...but then stepped away, and tried to adjust my attitude. It was difficult, but at least I could manage at not biting at people. Which was a big thing for me.

So yes, before you take an action, check yourself and be honest. Beyond the feelings, beyond the rules, beyond the thoughts...what is motivating this reaction/action, the fear or the love? Adjust accordingly, take a couple breathes, and then take action.




Journal of October 3, 2013
Woke up feeling tired and like not wanting to get up - overslept to about 9:15 or so. 
Felt lots of selfbash. Ro pointed out that I had a strong critical piece before, and that I did a really cool thing to fix it. What was that? To make my partner tone stronger. 
Ro pointed out that I have been feeling the same critical for the last few days. And what happened a few days ago? Storm left. 
Angel explained that I now need to provide the A1f  for myself. He also said that he said before that there would be withdrawal symptoms. Well, here they are.
So I held A1f in the hours that followed, and while holding A1f I suddenly felt more like taking care of the house, taking care of the place where  the Angel and Rohaa live. So I swept the floors and cleaned up a bit. 
I have been having a lot of trouble with keeping up with cleaning the house, so it is cool to see how the A1f helps me with that :). Sweeping while holding A0 and A1f was even fun. 
In another moment, I emptied dust from the dryer filter while the sun was shining through the window. I just had a moment where I found beauty in the light shining on the dancing floating dust particles. Tapping the filter made more come out and caused more pretty dancing little clouds of dust :). Feels A0, possibly A1f. 
The A1f quote in the LPA write-up also struck me today:
Quote: "Celebrate your life! It's amazing when you take time to notice it."
Without the A1f,  in my experience so far the A1m feels like it is all pointless. The A1f sees the beauty in the world and provides a sense of purpose, and celebration of the world. Then the A1m goes "woow that's so cool I wanna go and explore that!"
Back to Swagger
When doing groceries, I decided to tell the fella behind the counter something he needed to hear, so I scanned it, and encouraged him on his focus and ability to just keep going hour after hour. Then I gave him a brofist. And afterward he was smiling and I felt a lot better. I walked out the store happy, excited and bouncy.
Then when walking back through the park, I loudly shouted "yeah! and sang trololo and such. I did some sourcing combined with the singing - I source the sound of Awesome! :D
And this shows me that if I feel down, all I have to do is step into that swaggerpiece, go out and make some noise and within minutes I'm fine again :-).
So making my partner tone, the A1f, strong enough to support my A1m and doing swagger got me back to doing Awesome :).


Posted by on in Personal journey

I forgot about Simple, and I realized how much I missed the simple way of things, and wonder how'd the heck it disappeared. I been overwhelmed with all the doings and more things. I told Ro that I wanted more simple and she suggested to hold off on brown belt. I still decided I'm going for it, but she said I should find a stable place first. So I'm switching my focus, Ro said it'll help me go a long ways anyways. :) Such as:

  • GCB
  • Shapings
  • The Big 5 decisions (Now including Love)
  • Being *ME*
  • The running and karate
  • Eating healthy

I also wrote on my hand so I won't forget again *SIMPLE* and Ground Center Breathe all day today, and I feel more calmer and less wiggy. I also remembered another thing that I forgotten, which is that Angel said "It doesn't matter what you do, but the energy you hold" I been worrying a lot about the things I do rather than the energy I hold.  

I feel a lot more better now about my process, when I focus on the simple something inside just relaxes and releases a lot of the silly worries.

Last night I watched a movie called, "The Warrior Queen".

A story about Boudica a Britain Warrior Queen who lead a rebellion against the Roman Empire during the times of the Emperor Nero.

The story started off with the Queen talking about her life. About her Warrior husband, the greatest in their land, her two daughters, one sweet and gentle like a deer, and the other spirited and a fighter. As I watched it, I felt as if I was feeling her feelings. The pride of her people, and mostly that of her daughters. The feeling of looking out over everyone and being filled with love for her tribe, the connection, the trust. It was rather beautiful.

Anywho, the story goes along and its a verbal power struggle for the lands and a peace agreement for the British territory. The fiery daughter is causing trouble with the roman guard patrols and the gentle one is falling in love with a solider. The king has some serious PDSD and has lost all of his will to fight (which is like the very foundation of these tribes, fighting, war, that sort of thing) His people is getting frustrated with it and some are leaving to go find a fight. Eventually the King dies and around the same time the Emperor of Rome dies (is killed by his heir/wife). So Nero becomes new Emperor and then says "screw the peace, take the land, make them worship me, get me slaves."

So that begins to happen. (This is going somewhere I swear.) The Romans begin to steal the young women and men from the tribes and making them slave to build a new temple on their land. Desecrating the people, their land, and their religion. Naturally the Queen gets pissed as the women of the tribe begin to cry for their daughters back. She takes her warriors and her own two daughters and goes to the Governor type person of the land. She demands that they give her people back. He mocks her and then shows the Will of the King to her. It stated that half the land goes to his Queen/daughters and that half goes to Rome. But the Romans kinda went, so we own you. And she was like ya no ya don't. And one thing leads to another and hes like ya I put you in your place. They grab their guards kill them, they take her and have her tied down and flogged...at the same time, he has the whole camp of Roman Guards rape the two daughters....

That's about when the emotions kicked in big time. Something in me put myself in her place...what if I was there, and those were my daughters...I suddenly began to cry, almost scream. A fair amount of helplessness, pain and sorrow. A tearing feeling of wanting to scream for your daughters and trying to maintain your composure, nobility, and strength. The feeling of being physically and emotionally ripped to shreds. Afterwords having to pick yourself up out of the dirt be strong for your two daughters, untie and get them to stand as they whimpered and cried for you. Telling them to be strong hold up their heads and walk out with dignity. To have no tears but strength to show their now enemy, they will not be phased by them.

It was raw emotion. Wasn't hard to deal with or anything, but it felt real. There was a point in my gut and two pressures on my heart. I asked teddy for help and she helped me breath through it and I could feel the emotional block melt away.


A day or two before that, I watched Rob Roy. Another historical tale. Rob Roy MacGregor was a cattle drover and leader of a 18th Century clan of Scotland. (He was played by a younger Liam Neeson and boy did the room get hot! Not to mention all the kilts...yaaaa :) ) It wasn't so much the storyline that really hit me. But the way he was, and the way he treated his people. He did not have followers/subjects, he had friends, each one loyal and willing to go to the death for him, and he them. He treated them with such Honor and dignity it was beautiful. He was a man of Honor is a day and age that Honor was being thrown out a window. He would be good to his word. He was noble by action and just just because of a blood title. He would refuse a king which would lead him to becoming and outlaw because it went against him and his code. His wife was pretty crazy too. Because he pissed off a king his home was attacked. He fled to the mountain's. His wife and sons were still at the house when a gross character came and burnt it down. The wife had her sons sneak out, but she remained. There was a code of honor and battle back then. She would have been treated with respect but this gross character didn't abide by the codes. He raped her to try and provoke Rob into a giant battle between to Scottish Kings. As the house was burning and she was inside just after being raped. They the gross guys and his men waited outside. She took her time, she breathed, she put her hair up, and walked nobly out of the house. She at first didn't tell her husband about the rape. She knew he would react emotionally to it and do exactly what they wanted him to do, he would fight for her, and her honor.

Anywho ya. These stories of these British/Welsh/Celtic and Scottish people...these tribes. Their codes, their closeness of the community, the honor, the trust built in battles. The women and their strength and nobility, how they helped support and consul their kings, their husbands. Something about it just seems to ping with something inside me. The noble, calm warrior, his ability to keep peace, loyalty, and trust with his people whom he is responsible for. How he doesn't have to scare or intimidate them for it. How it was earned. How he treated each with respect, even his enemies he would fight nobly, even after being wronged. The movie wasn't historically accurate at all....

But i find this idea of this noble warrior, this connection to tribe and people, the willingness to stand up and die for what you believe in, to be very romantic and provoking. This honor code and system. The gentleness yet the complete deadliness in battle. The calm cool, noble head held high in pride. Part of me wants that, feel for it, and connects to it.

Its like that era is very A1. Having something to live and die for. To dedicate your everything too. Your king, your country, but above all your code of honor. Even if your king disregarded the code, you would not. Anywho, I feel like I'm just rambling now so...ya. That's that.



Warrior Code

Posted by on in Personal journey

Trying to hold on to the light.


Posted by on in Personal journey

I might have mentioned in my previous entry that Ro pointed out a thing around my heart area that wanted to bite when there is jealousy. So to deal with that I go love somebody and all the peoples and things. I also found another helpful way to deal with it, so whenever I feel jealousy creep up inside my system and I'm aware of it. I ask my self "what can I do for me?" "what can be helpful for me?" "how can I make my life better?" and then I love myself more and I love everything else and other people more.

I also mentioned that I tend to do this duck face thing, after shaper bear whacked me many times since I tried to make it, and on my own when catching myself. I realized how weird and off it feels when I do that face, and so I can't really do it anymore without thinking "what the heck am I doing?" So if I start to make it, I choose to yay and do holy child instead and love more peoples and things :)

I also been working a lot on shaping happy mom and dad nodes with holy child, and now it feels like my pfn's, com, and sai? nodes are all glowing! They're all feeling shiny or energy is beginning to move in them and I can tell where they are at as I shape up more and more energies with holy child and happy things.

Today Ro said I had an excited and that I should feel it. It's okay to feel happy because happy is a type of energy that I can do lots of things with! I can shape lots of things with the happy :) So I been doing!

Meanwhile I been feeling like I have a lot more energy than what I'm used to. Parts of me have no idea what to do with it all, other parts of me like I mentioned above is excited and happy about more things to do and shape! I also feel stronger when it comes to shaping things, but at the same time physically weak, but that's because I been lazy when it came to physical exercises for the past summer. I lost of time and as expected a part of me is not happy about that. But, when I poofed for awhile from the karate club, there was low numbers and we were about to lose the room because there was so few people attending. But now when I came back a whole bunch of new students showed up! They weren't even there last week they said, but this week class size trippled. when there was 5-7 on average (sometimes 2-3 ppls) this week on both days there was 20 or so, and even more ppl that arrived late, but didn't have time to join in cause class was ending. I feel ick for not keeping up with my discipline and it shows, but I am much happier to be back this time round. And I want the new kids to stay :) So we can keep the room and I can keep going to Karate.

Ro also taught me a thing yesterday about saying No or dealing with people that say no. If I can't do a certain thing in a certain way then I keep asking about all the possibilities and when I find one they can't say no to it because it's possible. Ro gave me a project to try before but I didn't know about this back then and I was younger too. Ro gave me a new one yesterday about inviting more dogs and pets into the university like a floor dog or a hall dog so that the students can take care of. I began to talk with my advisor about programming ideas that I can do with dogs and cats and how I can bring more of that into the student's lives at the university, and he gave me some places I can contact, and when I meet the presidents of each hall that I will oversea, I will encourage and propose the idea to them about coordinating these type of programs that involves animals. :) It's somehow much more possible now for me to be able to do something like this, yay. And I got myself at a point where I do have a say in creating programs for students and being able to initiate them at the university for the year.

Posted by on in Personal journey

Having some trouble with Bao, my cat. He's nipping and biting more than usual. When I asked Ro about it she said it is a dominance thing. Holding healthy dominance is something I was working on in G, since I've only every learned to hold anger, etc and dominance.

I'm trying to teach him "no bite" and to hold the healthy energies, but sometimes I get so annoyed with him, and I'm really starting to wonder...do I really care for him, do I love him...or did I rescue him because of rules and 3rd chakra stuff? Is it just that my heart isn't online and the unhealthy pieces (esp. FEN) are stronger, or that I really don't care?

I've even had times where I think I could just hurt him, kill him, and then tell people he got sick or something and died, or ran away, or escaped from the apartment, then I wouldn't have to deal with him anymore. I know the desire to hurt him is shadow...

sometimes I wonder...if I don't really love him, then who or what in my life do I love?

Posted by on in Personal journey

It's been an adventure going to Groningen and staying at Ro's... 

When I left home, I was scared, but I also knew it was the right thing to do for me. I knew somewhat what to expect after talking to Gimli about it, but I didn't really know what I was in for. And I admit, there were several times where I thought "what am I doing here? This is too much, I wanna go home again". But I didn't. I stayed, and I handled is as best I could. 

There was so much I learned about myself while being there. So much I thought I wanted and was good at that I could let go of. It's amazing to realize how much decisions in your life you make based on what you know your parents would want. At this point, I'm not ready yet to make any permanent changes based on my realizations in that area, but it helps to know where those wants are coming from, and that they aren't me. 

The same goes for holding on to a clan that's not me. It's silly. I'm so happy doing and being loud, but yet at times I still act as if I was a senser. My FEN is definitely a senser, just like my real mom. But I don't wanna be. I want to be doing, I want to be out there, I want to be noticed. So I will be. 

What's going to be awesome the next few weeks is the fact that I really have a new beginning coming. Not only with the old cycle finally ending, but for me personally. In just a week I'll be moving to Switzerland to get my Master's Degree, and there's nobody there who knows the old me. So I get to be just me, the real me that wants out so badly. It's gonna be great, I can finally let go of the mask I've been wearing so long and dying to throw away. 

I am ready to grow more and do more and let out the awesome person that's in here! YAY change, YAY new beginnings, just YAY!

If the fall fashion is any indication of what this next season will be like....its going to be dark. It is going to be rough for those who are sensitive and more light side. They will struggle a lot this up coming season. I just get the feeling there will be a lot of darkness coming up.

Strangest thing about it though. Is I don't feel its bad. Its more like a great chance to face somethings. A needed part of the process.

I love this time of year. Its this strange inbetween of fall and summer. Its like this time where everything is just completely shaken up. My life seems to go to hell in a hand basket this time of year. But now of late, its more me realizing its just the time of year for great changes and transitions. Knowing that, it helps it go more smoothly. It's fantastic to hear/feel October coming. There is just magic in the air that time of year. I feel like giant surges of creativity. Its just so incredible to see the earth changing all the plants going into harvest and fruition. It's like the climax of the seasons. I remember some October's being difficult because that's when the tree's and things go into their hibernation. I used to think it was death of everything. Which to a degree it is...but the more I learn about the tree's and plant life, the more I learn they are still very much alive during these seasons. It just looks like death. Its more of like a time to go inward. I have always felt very connected to the seasons. I only recently have figured that out. But I do seem to pattern with them, but then again most people do, and have no idea that they do.

It's in these moments where I feel really happy about being an A1. To be able to look at the world and let it teach me. To let myself get inspired by the seasons and cycles. To hear a song and be moved by it and move through things because of it. I'm happy about this life path. To be inspired and get to inspire life, joy, healing, hope, and faith.

I mean my life is pretty awesome. To get so fulfilled by passionately enjoying good food, music, and clothing. To get involved with people and watch and learn so much from them. Getting them excited and seeing progress in them. People are some of the most beautiful things out there. Man, when I allow it, there is nothing but beauty out there. Even those suffering or struggling, there is some strange beauty to it all. Maybe because its just life, and life has seasons and cycles, a processes to it all. It makes me think of that wheel card and how we just circle around again and again learning something new each time. Such a strangely beautiful pattern to it all. Life is beautiful, in all forms.

I think that if I could only have one thing in this life, I'd want that. This sense of wonder and magic that I can have about this world and this processes. I wouldn't want power or anything like that, just this sense of beauty and wonder. The more I think about it, the more I realize, I'm so completely A1. The biggest things I want in this life is that beauty and wonder, and compassion. To have the ability to see all the beauty and wonder (magic) and to inspire it in others (or others to see it), and the ability to have compassion for others and myself. That's some of the biggest things for me. That is what really makes me fulfilled.


Posted by on in Personal journey

I noticed a thing I tend to do, which is actually kinda cool. I always tend to make sure things are ready for me to use when I want them when I can, and when I need a thing I don't have, then I get and then I have it so I will be able to use it when I want to. It can be a lot of things, and there are big feelings with this piece, but it's very providing and nurturing. Keeping foundations stable so they don't fall... supportive. 

But, I noticed sometimes when I do get a thing that I don't have then I'm not interested in it anymore, but at least it's there when I want to use it. Kinda like... the challenge went away somehow.

Here's an example recently, I bought a bunch of paints that were on sale, and then I somehow lost interest in painting for a bit, but I know there's a deep want to do inside, so I will keep them and do painting whenever I feel like it. I at least don't have to worry about running out of paint anymore, so that's a very nice thing for me there. 

I do this a lot with money, but I run out of money at some point... so maybe I can direct that focus to money, so I can keep me and others stable.

Here's another example, if I want a software on my computer, like say... I wanted to get this one mod and forge working for minecraft. I make sure I get it working and stable for me to use when I want it. And I got it working then the challenge is gone for awhile and I am disinterested in it for a bit. 

So it's more than just getting things there's also the fixing and creating? shaping! I'm really really curious about this piece now~ Let's see how this goes.

[edit] and woah! it just occurred to me that the wizard program meme I found on FB this morning totally fits what I'm describing... in a way.

Posted by on in Personal journey

Maybe someone can help me, I have decided I like writing short stories, and I have a few blog sites.  But lately I feel I have a major writers block issues, I am dealing with.  Its not just me, I have friends and family members dealing with the same type of blocks.  Could it be my SWEET excersises, isn't completely going through.  Sometimes, I get blocked with them too? Or is it something else?  Right now, I have two started, one is called; 'Abby is Crabby' and its starts out, like about her soggy diaper, she can't get out of.  My other recent story is about 'Billy Boy- Bumble Bee'  I get a couple of paragraphs in, and then it happens again.  

In my fictional stories, I seem to get writers blocks with the dialog s parts for some reason.  I have a local author friend, who is a self publisher, he is helping me with that part of it.  Well I still struggle every day, with my blogs, but; I so enjoy posting my recipes in the meantime.  and I receive several comments there.  Its not easy getting noticed you know, as a singer, writer, or quilter or anything for that matter.  If you have any ideas, or insights please let me know, and thanks in advance.

Tagged in: Journal