I asked ro earlier why my shaping's doesn't work sometimes, and she explains a thing that helps me understand a lot of what's going on lately. And in the process, it turned more into a quest of "why can't I have nice things for me?"
First of all, I tend to get my I's confused with a bunch of needy and whiny kiddy pieces. I'll need to practice naming them something else that's not me. I also need to realize that even tho I'm shaper, I still get to process stuck feelings somehow.
I also get to teach the kiddy pieces to hand over the big scary feelings to me. And basically gave me a mini class on how that works and healing the broken kiddies. The process of it is more advanced than young me's that the intro/basic class taught.
I learned this is a part that I was missing in my process. Finding those kiddy pieces that are expressing shadow and have stuck feelings, so I process them and help the kiddy pieces grow up and learn more about who they really are, so in turn I learn more about myself and become more whole.
Then, Ro gave me a head start with a kiddy piece.
Shadow: lots of nasty, greedy, bitter, spiteful, jealous
If I were to clear it, at this point it feels best to copy paste what was said for reference:
there's this little girl who has no sense at all of "mine"
just doesnt exist
everything's open and free and if someone wants a thing you give it and if you want a thing it's right there
this whole ownership thing, makes no sense to this little girl in there
it doesnt want to own anything
doesnt want anything for herself
its kind of expecting life and the people around her to provide what's really needed so she's not worried, and just wants to help others and provide the things they need
its not "i want to give MY things to others"
i feel this complete lack of owning anything, period
maybe like an animal wouldnt think of owning clothes or fruit bushes
i bet a little girl with an attitude like that got seriously taken advantage of
people taking from her while not providing anything she needed
so she learned how to HAVE things for HER - shadow style, because it's all based in fear and not having and being ignored
you want to clear and process all the feelings that got stuck (the helpless, the confused), deal with all the shadow stuff you learned to do in response to the feelings, and get back to that little girl who just sees life as an open buffet for everyone to enjoy equally
that little girl way under there is your friend
that attitude is a part of who you are and that you lost
so by doing this, you get that part of you back
and eventually, when she grows up with you, you get the attitude back that nothing BELONGS to anyone. that you dont want anything for MINE. NEED. HAVING.
life's a free buffet and there's more than enough for anyone so when you need something you use it, and when you can help others you do, and its so open and free
its really quite beautiful
(you'll want to write this down somewhere youc an find it back)
and maybe you're right and this is related to your shapings not working well
if you're shaping from I WANT FOR MEEEE
and its based in a bunch of shadow stuff
or if who you are just doesnt get this whole "for meeeee" stuff
you're fighting yourself on it
if you can get back to the attitude of "life's a beautiful, plentiful buffet where everybody can have all the things they need"
i bet your shaping gets much easier
and you'll lose the whole needy grabby jealous thing
ownership of things, people, ideas... wont make sense to you
you use what you need and not more
if someone else needs or wants it, you give it
its hard to find words for it and i dont want you to make a rule out of it, but to find that piece back inside you
it'll make so much sense to you, it'll be so simple
After talking with ro and while working on it. I felt more free, and better, and that I don't have to worry so much anymore about some things that's been bothering me a lot lately. It helped explained so much. So I'm going to play with this piece and work with it and help it grow and then find new baby parts of myself to help grow and become more me. :) I'm excited to do this. YAY! \o/