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Teddybear's Journal

My own journey of discovering who I am and expressing that in this world.

Teddybear

Teddybear

Hello long time of awesome website! I see you are dead and I've come to revive you! :)

Posted by on in Personal journey

Even though the website says I am A3F, but a few months ago ish, I have made a switch to A1F. Angel said that I been stuck on A1F things and said that it would help me to play A1F for awhile. I was baffled at first like "whaaat, me?!" Idk why, but I saw it as some special thing that only special people can have. But we're all people. :)  I also had a big thing that says "I'm not allowed to play, and I'm not the favorite child" I never felt like one anyways. In a strange way, A1F represented more of what I have been wanting and for awhile I was trying to say A3F did that for me. But since playing with A1F, my teachers says it's been working out for me, and it suits me more, and I feel more free! Free to do what I want. :)

I still haven't been able to complete the switch tho, still deciding, is cause part of me still likes some of the things A3F has. And part of me misses it a little, but I feel as an A1F I understand A3F better, like I can see things clearer. It is a bit like waking up from a bad dream into a nice fun one too. And I know it comes with a big amount of joy because when I tune into A1F, it's like part of me goes "YEAAAAHHH THAT! THAT THING!" But I'm still unclear on what that means. :)

I also learned A1Fs have a shiny thing they lean on, so I picked the most obvious shiny, the Angel/Kirael doAni. I have other ideas about my shiny, but whenever I try to explain it, it got complicated, so I just made it simple by picking the Angel. :)

This isn't a new thing, it's just parts of me is finally *getting it* like it's clicking and i'm going "oh duh THAT" I'm having one of those super cool rare awesome moments where I actually believe I'm awesome, life's awesome, everything's awesome. I really want to keep this up, keep choosing this. Every single movement I do, every single song I sing, every single DOING, and every single shaping... I choose awesome. I choose yay. I really don't have to compete either, I don't have to worry about the need to control, and I definitely don't have to go back to drama. I don't have to whine. I don't have to be small. I can just simply choose happy. I really can. I can simply choose it in everything that I do.

I'm also getting familiar with my path's yay buttons. The a3f yay buttons. So far I recognize giving and helping and heart. (which look! it automatically bolded itself! ) Those are some things that I love even more than FISH (omg I have YAYS even bigger than FISH... I know.. wow) which is my kiddy yay, these are my big me's yays. :)

Posted by on in Personal journey

Since I got blue belt (august 2013), I been really messy for awhile, but since winter (december 2013) I been trying to get back up on my feet. Something changed today though I can feel it. I also have a clearer idea of what I really want now that I have better understanding of myself and what I been doing.

First off, since I been fussy about it a lot and lots of drama about it. I learned that I been reacting to big strong sexuality energy, so there's a big strong piece that came up, which kept freaking out pieces inside. But, I learned it's just simply a response and that's it. I also learn that sexuality, no matter how I do it or express it is a big normal part of being human. So I've actually been learning about becoming human a looot. And that taking Ro's advice, I should give myself a break, and recognize that there's a lot of garbage I picked up on and was taught while growing up. Plus, I keep picking up on people a lot lately, as Ro been consistently reminding me that just because I'm shaper doesn't mean I'm a solid rock, so I been picking up on other ppl's sexuality gutmuck and mess and ideas on it. It did seem strange that I now suddenly blow up more about it, so there's a new thing and there's that picking up on people and my own mess put together. So yes, I am now officially treating it as simple as possible and giving myself a break and try to enjoy the process. I even randomly opened up the Hafiz book to the poem, Becoming Human. Plus the Heart's Coronation was also a great fit.

Also, doing more a3f the past few days! I have a clearer idea of what I want. I really want to work on making the Elfpath process less messy for people. I want to make it more clean and easy going, so people can overcome their mess easier. Yes there could still definitely be challenges, but that's my goal. Making this ride more fun and easier to do. :) I also really want to work on communicating what I notice better while being big and strong while I do it. I also want to really practice on making my own decisions.

This is public, so everyone can check when I am available next week, which is spring break for most of the united states schools.  Here is my work schedule times (this is when I am NOT available, but other times are! ) Also, times are in central standard time format. For the netherland folks just add on 6 hrs (or 7?) and I think you have your time.

mon = 10-2pm (a 30min meeting at 3pm) cst 24hr clock: 10-14:30 csst

wed = 10-2pm cst 24hr clock: 10-14:30 cst 

thurs = 10-2pm cst 24hr clock: 10-14:30 cst

fri = 10-2pm cst 24 hr clock 10-14:30 cst

sun 3/23 = 3-7:30pm (might pick up a 10-3pm 24hr clock, 10-14:30 too, depends if it is taken already or not) and 15-19:30cst

 

also have another 30min meeting but idk when that will be yet sometime during the week

Posted by on in Insights

I understand much better and more fully now why exercising is very important for the meta. It's because it helps us grow, and it helps us do, shape, sense, source much better and allows us to access more energy to do things, so we can do more in general, not just in the shaper sense, but in everything.

Since Ro talked to me about why exercising is important, I been taking it more seriously now for the past 2-3 weeks. I don't remember if this is my week 2 or 3, but anyways I started out doing lots of stairs 1000+ stairs everyday plus some 20min of cycling for the first half of that week, then kept adding 100 or so stairs everyday, then got to 2000 stairs everyday then my record of stairs is 2400 stairs, then I thought to myself that I would try running now, so the past few days I been running for more than 10min straight through without stopping and adding a minute or two everyday to that. So today I been able to do 15min of running without stopping or slowing down too much (not sure i slowed down when i got a drink of water, I just kept going).

Today I was thinking to myself, maybe I shouldn't do any exercising today since I am also on my monthly cycle and all, but then I thought to myself... "but wait!! i want to DO MORE SHAPINGS! Why would I do that? that silly" So I did 15min of running today :)

While I do exercising I been using my a3f and a3m on myself encouraging my self and loving myself and saying good job and you can do it! over and over again until I complete my task and then I go YAY you wonderful!

I'm also proud of myself that my laundry is now mostly sweaty clothings :D :D :D

So my goal is to run 20min by the end of the week straight through without stopping or slowing down! Today when I was running for the last minute I sped up much more for a whole minute :D Is really cool. So now applying what Ro told me and after doing it myself for awhile, I understand why it's important to do exercising. 

Posted by on in Personal journey

Whenever I journal, I'm just going to pick a pretty image for the day, and then maybe when it calls for it I'm just going to use a theme.  Anywho, I just wanted to update since it's been ages since I journaled, and I mostly avoided posting anything due to feeling insecured. But I decided I'm going to do more again anyways and update more again anyways :)

My process has been messy off and on, plus there was some holiday messy at this usual time of the year. Although today even tho I still felt a bit messy, there was some relieved feeling somewhere, which is likely due to the yay new year thing everyone's feeling, and that the holidays are finally over with. At least until valentine's day.

I just want to communicate with everyone that I'll always be here, there are messy times sure and times I'm messy, but I'm always around to the best of my ability. The only thing that'll probably keep me away is probably something very big like if the entire world decided to ban internet, or something unknown to me.

Also decided to graduate and leave the University of Iowa after this semester. I will then either 1) move to where Storm is right away, or 2) Visit Elfpath HQ in NL right away THEN have my return ticket be where Storm is, Charlestone, South Carolina.

Only thing is I'm unsure how much money I can save up: My spending list is only this:

  • Books for University classes
  • Catching up on Elfpath Classes payments (Only one behind)
  • Food and basic living supplies
  • Mailing some packages to Storm (moving my personal belongings in otherwords: mostly just some creative supplies i have, shoes, white board, plant, and whatever the suitcase won't hold, which isn't much) 
  • Airline ticket for def. SC, or maybe both NL (to) and SC (return ticket)
  • and some spending money for NL maybe 

Only time I'll get coffee out or something like that, is when I work cause I get coffee for free then. I just... don't know if it's possible for me to get to NL atm this soon, but I really want to go even tho there's some insecurity with going back like I feel like I won't be able to meet my own or everyone's expectations of what I'll be like when I return to Elfpath's HQ.

Plus, basics, lots of basics and doing simple.

 

Social entrepeneurship

What map am I using?
Society's, parent's and advisor's

Benefits of not having a map. 
Make your own.

Andy travelled the world without a map. Society awards people who draws their own maps. Not people who follow them.

Industrial age: Being a dutiful cog in a machine was rewarded.

New era post 2008: those we can create a map gets rewarded.

The age of creativity.
 
Our entire world is becoming networked.
 

7 lessons 

 

1. All great leaders went on journeys. Explore and reflect often. 
2.  You have to figure out how to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. 
3. Security is a superstition. So comfy in the united states. You are only lost if you think you are lost. 
4. Some failure should be assumed. You better understand who you are helping. Kids were happier playing with fish in a fish tank than climbing mountain. 
5. The hardest part is leaving. 
6. The only thing that lasts are the people that you meet along the way. 
7. Goal is to find your own way. You are pressured to follow people's maps. If we are each drawing our own map then it can't be a  race. Life is a journey for you. Thing he is most proud of is that he wakes up everyday and can decide what he wants to do for the day. Treat life like a journey. 

 

What map are you using?  
Life is a journey.

 

What is a journey? 

 

http://facebook.com/andystollspeaks 

 

 

 

Posted by on in Uncategorized

I asked ro earlier why my shaping's doesn't work sometimes, and she explains a thing that helps me understand a lot of what's going on lately. And in the process, it turned more into a quest of "why can't I have nice things for me?"

First of all, I tend to get my I's confused with a bunch of needy and whiny kiddy pieces. I'll need to practice naming them something else that's not me. I also need to realize that even tho I'm shaper, I still get to process stuck feelings somehow.

I also get to teach the kiddy pieces to hand over the big scary feelings to me. And basically gave me a mini class on how that works and healing the broken kiddies. The process of it is more advanced than young me's that the intro/basic class taught.

I learned this is a part that I was missing in my process. Finding those kiddy pieces that are expressing shadow and have stuck feelings, so I process them and help the kiddy pieces grow up and learn more about who they really are, so in turn I learn more about myself and become more whole.

Then, Ro gave me a head start with a kiddy piece.

Shadow: lots of nasty, greedy, bitter, spiteful, jealous

If I were to clear it, at this point it feels best to copy paste what was said for reference:

there's this little girl who has no sense at all of "mine"
just doesnt exist
everything's open and free and if someone wants a thing you give it and if you want a thing it's right there
this whole ownership thing, makes no sense to this little girl in there
it doesnt want to own anything
doesnt want anything for herself
its kind of expecting life and the people around her to provide what's really needed so she's not worried, and just wants to help others and provide the things they need
its not "i want to give MY things to others"
i feel this complete lack of owning anything, period
maybe like an animal wouldnt think of owning clothes or fruit bushes
i bet a little girl with an attitude like that got seriously taken advantage of
people taking from her while not providing anything she needed
so she learned how to HAVE things for HER - shadow style, because it's all based in fear and not having and being ignored
you want to clear and process all the feelings that got stuck (the helpless, the confused), deal with all the shadow stuff you learned to do in response to the feelings, and get back to that little girl who just sees life as an open buffet for everyone to enjoy equally
that little girl way under there is your friend
that attitude is a part of who you are and that you lost
so by doing this, you get that part of you back
and eventually, when she grows up with you, you get the attitude back that nothing BELONGS to anyone. that you dont want anything for MINE. NEED. HAVING.
life's a free buffet and there's more than enough for anyone so when you need something you use it, and when you can help others you do, and its so open and free
its really quite beautiful
(you'll want to write this down somewhere youc an find it back)
and maybe you're right and this is related to your shapings not working well
if you're shaping from I WANT FOR MEEEE
and its based in a bunch of shadow stuff
or if who you are just doesnt get this whole "for meeeee" stuff
you're fighting yourself on it
if you can get back to the attitude of "life's a beautiful, plentiful buffet where everybody can have all the things they need"
i bet your shaping gets much easier
and you'll lose the whole needy grabby jealous thing
ownership of things, people, ideas... wont make sense to you
you use what you need and not more
if someone else needs or wants it, you give it
its hard to find words for it and i dont want you to make a rule out of it, but to find that piece back inside you
it'll make so much sense to you, it'll be so simple
 
****
After talking with ro and while working on it. I felt more free, and better, and that I don't have to worry so much anymore about some things that's been bothering me a lot lately. It helped explained so much. So I'm going to play with this piece and work with it and help it grow and then find new baby parts of myself to help grow and become more me. :) I'm excited to do this. YAY! \o/
 
 

Posted by on in Dreams

More cool dreams! Yay!!

Ok, so for some reason I was avoiding some friends, and was flying around and all :) yay flying in dreams again! And they keep coming to look for me, but for some reason wanted to avoid, but then I saw a dark gloomy cloud and came back to wherever we were. At some point around here, it was introducing some potential male lovers, but ofc I decided to avoid them for some reason - didn't think I was going to be accepted. Even though they were really stubborn and I always ended up going back because it was the only direction moving forward. And then other sequences of the dream happened

There was also this basement place and a guy working in there, we went in it thinking it was abandoned, but we were wrong and we got caught, and not sure how to explain ourselves.

There was also one part after that where I think me? and some other people got turned into robots, or something was happening to us... we were effected or evolving in some way, and a goddess was there helping us through the painful process. After that I felt like I couldn't be around anyone, so I avoided people again even tho after my friends saw me when they were eating dinner they tried to make room for me but I ran off, so avoiding again and just simply flying around again.

Then there was this one part where there was a horse, and some goddess lady was there, I told her about my troubles and she pointed out that the horse isn't what it is supposed to be. So I took some items off that the horse was wearing and put on a couple of new features that made the horse more real who they really are. I showed it to the lady and she approved, but then the goddess said she had to go now. I was saying goodbye, to an old past and to something else, a part of me maybe. I hugged the goddess, crying and telling her goodbye and the old parts that were not me and the old horse that was being someone it was not.

Then after that there was a whole group of people waiting for me in my life that I knew who they are, and everybody welcomed me back and we walked on our paths together, celebrating happily and i walked behind them watching the celebrations... I then woke up. (It was a big group of people; a diverse group) Including the people in my dream there. I think I saw elfpath people scattered about here too, they were present, but was doing something else in my dream I think.

I think the dream was in general showing me things that are in my life right now, showing me parts that are changing, and showing me parts that are leaving that I need to let go, and how I react to it in my process. Might also be introducing new people that may be in my life soon and showing me the ones that are currently there helping me.

Posted by on in Dreams

I had dreams this morning!

They were both interesting although one was really creepy. It started out nice, we made friends with a mermaid (who looked like Ariel with red hair and all), but for some reason she was doing very well out of the water even with fins, and we carried her around with us and all. She was good friend, but then one of my coworkers that I was trusting him with her? He dropped her in a bucket of water (the mermaid was small by the way), and then flushed her down the toilet in the bathroom and blood came out... after he used the bathroom, he mentioned he thought it could be his but then he realized he dumped the bucket with the mermaid in it. I had anger and I said "I trusted you with her!" It was just too creepy though and probably a good thing that the mermaid is gone, if it was even a mermaid anyways. And the mermaid was more treated like a pet... way too creepy.

The next dream screamed out COOL FACTOR! It was just a really really cool dream. There was this Kid, who reminded me a bit of Henry from Once Upon a Time tv show, but he has no idea who he is, doesn't have any memory, but he's a genius and has this super power. Every time his brain lit up he was able to make this robot come alive and do things! But everyone seems to know who he is, and I keep asking myself "why aren't they telling him?! TELL HIM ALREADY!" But even from my own perspective... I honestly was kinda lost, not really sure what's going on here. There was also this odd moment with a video game where he looked just like the video game character that a person was playing. I didn't understand that part tho... it seemed complicated. But while waking up all I could think about was YES COOL DREAM! COOL DREAM! DO MORE KID! TELL THE KID! OMG! HE'S AWESOME! COOL DREAM COOL DREAM! I think I was just there observing though... I couldn't do anything except walk around and watch what was going on and when I tried to speak nothing would come out. The others said some things and so did the kid, but they did not talk all that much either. Very quiet. I was so frustrated though because no one would say anything and I couldn't say anything mysel.

Posted by on in Decisions

Back in the beginning I was stuck in a very messy place, while at NL, Gimli and the others helped me get out of it. Since then it was really easy, but then Angel said I may have difficulty sometime around blue belt. He's right. Now my usual simple attitude doesn't work so well for blue belt + things. I don't know how to deal with the complicated.

So I talked with Ro about it and we figured out this is why my shadow side things came up more lately because this is a new place for me. I told her, I did not want that to stop me just because I'm great at the simple and I'm a shaper, I want to go forward anyways! I don't care if it's not going to be easy, and if the simple isn't always going to work for some things, I want to go forward anyways! My simple gift will still be here, I just get to learn new things! I won't know until I try, so I will do!

I won't know what's up there until I go up there myself! It doesn't make sense to me that I stop growing just because there's new things and we don't know about it yet, so who cares, I DOOOOO anyways.

So even tho we really don't know what's going on with the 5th+ chakra's, Ro suggested that this will need lots of awareness, of my process and everything else around me and what life is telling me. So, with that being said, I get to DO MORE ON PURPOSE! And will talk with Gimli more about how he uses the right handed approach with this sort of thing~

So yay!

I do more on purpose!

I decide to move forward!

I decide to accept change with grace!

It's a race! I'll accept it first before it hits me on the nose! :) <3

<3

Posted by on in Day to day

I recognize that whenever I try to journal or submitted one, they all sounded whiny lately compared to the entries when the website upgraded. 

And right now, I feel unusually calm. Not sure what happened. And usually I don't know, but learning to be o.k. with not knowing.

I do want to post updates and share things although I will try to do so with holding more yay.

Aside from the whiny there's a few things going on:

- I'm kinda stuck, but finding stability again with the simple, helping me to move, but slowly...? reminding self is o.k. to do earthy things. And patiently waiting for classes to start again.

- There's the feeling childish and then there's that whiny piece... I want to say two different things, but whenever the manipulative whiny piece comes up, it brings up a lot of childish and embarrassing feelings. And I got a feeling people treat me childish.... young. But Ro coached me saying that the whiny piece isn't my friend, so I'm working on letting it go.

- I been remembering a lot of past lives there's still some violent ones to go through. Today been remembering one, or more than one where I lived a life as a slave. In one of them, if I'd do something wrong then I'd get branded with fire or something like that. They would put the branding stick on the back of my heart as well with me laying face down.

- I also have a young me somewhere that made an agreement that it was told to go away. So during certain situations, the piece feels like they have to go away because they think the people are telling her to go away.

- I also been letting go of Mom pieces and other pieces that are not me but hanging around for some reason. So I been working with Shaper Bear Zeke on learning how to claim my space. I asked for help because I noticed things like ghosts and energy beings that just wonder into my room... and I'm like o_O "Dude! IT'S MY ROOM! I NEED TO SLEEP!" So I asked shaper bear how to fix and claim space, and it's been more calmer and easier to relax in my bedroom and apartment now :) YAY! It's also a little easier to sleep with little bit less lights on, I still have a light on, but it's progress if I can go to sleep without both lights. I still need to work on that fear of the dark. There's also a fear that gets triggered when I see things.

Posted by on in Personal journey

I forgot about Simple, and I realized how much I missed the simple way of things, and wonder how'd the heck it disappeared. I been overwhelmed with all the doings and more things. I told Ro that I wanted more simple and she suggested to hold off on brown belt. I still decided I'm going for it, but she said I should find a stable place first. So I'm switching my focus, Ro said it'll help me go a long ways anyways. :) Such as:

  • GCB
  • SWEET
  • Shapings
  • The Big 5 decisions (Now including Love)
  • Being *ME*
  • The running and karate
  • Eating healthy

I also wrote on my hand so I won't forget again *SIMPLE* and Ground Center Breathe all day today, and I feel more calmer and less wiggy. I also remembered another thing that I forgotten, which is that Angel said "It doesn't matter what you do, but the energy you hold" I been worrying a lot about the things I do rather than the energy I hold.  

I feel a lot more better now about my process, when I focus on the simple something inside just relaxes and releases a lot of the silly worries.

I remembered a past life where I either fell out of a transportation unit, or we were just wondering around the forest. And I stopped by to look at the pretty flowers, but then... I was all alone somehow.

I tried keeping up and going after them, but it was like I was too small to be noticed or I didn't try hard enough. There was that dreadfull silence and... but... the pretty flowers, and then a bunch of feelings came up.

It was in the wilderness, and we were travelling, but I do remember it turning into night time, but then I don't remember much after that. It's like a part of me wanted to venture out on my own, but then at the same time I realized I may not be able to do things on my own. It was very confusing. And it seemed I died somehow that night, I think I died from starving to death or got eaten by something.

I think here in this life, when I look beyond it, and asking myself what I wanted. I think I was learning more about being independent and receiving help from people. Also learning a lot about what it means to be on a team or pack. Tho I'm not source, but is interesting that came up. I had been learning a lot about teambuilding and teamwork lately in this life atm.

Posted by on in Personal journey

I might have mentioned in my previous entry that Ro pointed out a thing around my heart area that wanted to bite when there is jealousy. So to deal with that I go love somebody and all the peoples and things. I also found another helpful way to deal with it, so whenever I feel jealousy creep up inside my system and I'm aware of it. I ask my self "what can I do for me?" "what can be helpful for me?" "how can I make my life better?" and then I love myself more and I love everything else and other people more.

I also mentioned that I tend to do this duck face thing, after shaper bear whacked me many times since I tried to make it, and on my own when catching myself. I realized how weird and off it feels when I do that face, and so I can't really do it anymore without thinking "what the heck am I doing?" So if I start to make it, I choose to yay and do holy child instead and love more peoples and things :)

I also been working a lot on shaping happy mom and dad nodes with holy child, and now it feels like my pfn's, com, and sai? nodes are all glowing! They're all feeling shiny or energy is beginning to move in them and I can tell where they are at as I shape up more and more energies with holy child and happy things.

Today Ro said I had an excited and that I should feel it. It's okay to feel happy because happy is a type of energy that I can do lots of things with! I can shape lots of things with the happy :) So I been doing!

Meanwhile I been feeling like I have a lot more energy than what I'm used to. Parts of me have no idea what to do with it all, other parts of me like I mentioned above is excited and happy about more things to do and shape! I also feel stronger when it comes to shaping things, but at the same time physically weak, but that's because I been lazy when it came to physical exercises for the past summer. I lost of time and as expected a part of me is not happy about that. But, when I poofed for awhile from the karate club, there was low numbers and we were about to lose the room because there was so few people attending. But now when I came back a whole bunch of new students showed up! They weren't even there last week they said, but this week class size trippled. when there was 5-7 on average (sometimes 2-3 ppls) this week on both days there was 20 or so, and even more ppl that arrived late, but didn't have time to join in cause class was ending. I feel ick for not keeping up with my discipline and it shows, but I am much happier to be back this time round. And I want the new kids to stay :) So we can keep the room and I can keep going to Karate.

Ro also taught me a thing yesterday about saying No or dealing with people that say no. If I can't do a certain thing in a certain way then I keep asking about all the possibilities and when I find one they can't say no to it because it's possible. Ro gave me a project to try before but I didn't know about this back then and I was younger too. Ro gave me a new one yesterday about inviting more dogs and pets into the university like a floor dog or a hall dog so that the students can take care of. I began to talk with my advisor about programming ideas that I can do with dogs and cats and how I can bring more of that into the student's lives at the university, and he gave me some places I can contact, and when I meet the presidents of each hall that I will oversea, I will encourage and propose the idea to them about coordinating these type of programs that involves animals. :) It's somehow much more possible now for me to be able to do something like this, yay. And I got myself at a point where I do have a say in creating programs for students and being able to initiate them at the university for the year.

Posted by on in Uncategorized

Ro pointed out that I had been protecting my hear, so I decided to let it out and love all the things! I decide to love more!

I also got to work on holding holy child and letting it integrate with my a3m and a3f, a3m was the most challenging, but I'm getting better and doing more with it. This will help me support my B3F better that I am exploring.

I'm also a bit confused, I thought I was doing well, but I probably was doing well and then Ro mentioned something earlier today how it's a bit hard to do without a bigger shaper and I am the biggest shaper atm, I don't have people to tell me when I'm being lazy or when I need to stop and rest, so kinda figuring that out on my own a bit. Unless I'm on cam with Ro and Angel and Shaper Bear. It did felt like Shaper Bear was telling me to relax it's ok, and then at the end of the day with Gim Shaper Bear said more about celebrating myself and being strong.

Ro also pointed out that I make this face, where I squish my mouth off to the side. It might be a shadow side thing. Been studying it and it feels cranky and grumpy. I noticed I tend to do it a lot when

Posted by on in Personal journey

I noticed a thing I tend to do, which is actually kinda cool. I always tend to make sure things are ready for me to use when I want them when I can, and when I need a thing I don't have, then I get and then I have it so I will be able to use it when I want to. It can be a lot of things, and there are big feelings with this piece, but it's very providing and nurturing. Keeping foundations stable so they don't fall... supportive. 

But, I noticed sometimes when I do get a thing that I don't have then I'm not interested in it anymore, but at least it's there when I want to use it. Kinda like... the challenge went away somehow.

Here's an example recently, I bought a bunch of paints that were on sale, and then I somehow lost interest in painting for a bit, but I know there's a deep want to do inside, so I will keep them and do painting whenever I feel like it. I at least don't have to worry about running out of paint anymore, so that's a very nice thing for me there. 

I do this a lot with money, but I run out of money at some point... so maybe I can direct that focus to money, so I can keep me and others stable.

Here's another example, if I want a software on my computer, like say... I wanted to get this one mod and forge working for minecraft. I make sure I get it working and stable for me to use when I want it. And I got it working then the challenge is gone for awhile and I am disinterested in it for a bit. 

So it's more than just getting things there's also the fixing and creating? shaping! I'm really really curious about this piece now~ Let's see how this goes.

[edit] and woah! it just occurred to me that the wizard program meme I found on FB this morning totally fits what I'm describing... in a way.

Posted by on in Dreams

I had a dream with Angel in it today. He was giving me a bunch of bracelet tools. Some were my own, some were his that he had a long time ago, but he gave me a project for one. He said that I was supposed to get Gimli excited about this one bracelet, so Gimli will want to wear it. Gimli was fussing about it for some reason, but now that I think about it, the necklace/bracelet itself did look like a source tool. It was brown and had a pointy object (to me it looked like a fish/shark, but I think it was a tooth of sorts). A lot of the tools Angel put on my wrists were necklaces, but insisted that for me they should go on my wrists. Somehow I had trouble talking here throat was sore, and trouble shapings? Wanted to say Thank You, but there was so much feelings. I also was concerned about my bracelets and/or necklaces were going to fall off my wrist, but I tried not to fuss about it so much.

Then, even tho I actually been excited about the idea Angel was going to take me to a real Alien Martial Arts tournament, but then a part inside was going "Monkies! It really exists?!" He said I probably could only take a few hits from these guys and then be knocked out, but insisted that I'd do it. I noticed I really did have a fear about meeting Aliens even tho I really wanted to go, but parts of me got really fussy to the point that I woke up and then here my dreams got funny as well, and I had trouble getting out of it, like trying to find the exit and I'd just go in circles until I woke up. But there was also a sad and guilt for the pieces inside acting up. I did somewhat get a glimpse of the stadium ish place tho and the aliens. I think that's where parts of me freaked out something about looking at that them. And on a side note... I hope there's blue aliens altho I got a feeling they may not look like the way I expected them too... Also, I think I actually did went in there or a part of me, and did get a few hits just like what he said, but there was just so much pieces inside freaking out that I wasn't present here, but a part of me went in it anyways, which I wonder if that's why Angel said I'd only be able to take a few hits because he'd knew parts of me would freak out and I'd jump out of my belly and try not to be there. I wonder what would have had happened tho if I stayed in it.

Posted by on in Dreams

I been meaning to write a journal entry on my own dreams lately. I've had quite a few interesting ones, but some I forgotten, and about 3 sticks out, but one I'll leave out because it doesn't seem appropriate to share here. Except for the part about helping out a person with their young yous that got all wild and crazy and I was like "look here, look at the feeling you're holding before you go do that" It was interesting because I was able to stay mostly in control and being me the whole time. Plus there was confused because a part of me was not sure how to react to the situation, but my a3 pieces kicked in to help the children that somehow got involved and the person.

The 2nd interesting dream was that the X Men character, Nightcrawler, the live action movie version was in my dreams. We were teaching him that there is no such thing as hell, and that he will be okay, and he can have happiness and all that good stuff. But he saw the markings he made and was like "but what about all the sins I made?" because the markings he made was a reminder to him about all the bad things he did. He then, had a sad and hunched over and turned into a blue alien and he had no markings at all or anything. I interpreted that he was mourning those markings that he had on there, because he lost them from being so happy and free again. It was confusing at first, because at first there was also this message that he had the bad things he did literally physically on him, so how can he be happy? 

The third dream was this morning, this one was the most interesting. It felt very real and that I was on a planet somewhere. The ground was red and ths sky was dark with lots of stars and there were auroras! So I could have been on earth still and seen auroras, or was somewhere else. Anywho, it also seemed like a place that Shaper Bear, Zeke, and the other animal people were there.

Posted by on in Personal journey

Yesterday while on video chat with Angel and the others. Susi told me that Big said? Everytime Angel and Susi and whomever talks about Dominant or being dominant a place next to my heart gets angry. Anger comes up every time the topic dominance is mentioned. It also comes with a sad. I didn't have much time to sit with them and do dealings with them on purpose, but I told them I will do keep an eye on it, and Susi suggested to poke it on purpose. So I spent the past couple of days poking this piece on purpose as much as I can. And this is what I found:

I don't know what Dominance means.

My turtles definitely have the idea mixed up. Pieces inside thought it was like, being violent or mean or abusing the privilege. Those pieces had no idea what it meant to be firm and not letting people walk all over you. Then these pieces inside gets walked on all over because they don't want to hurt people, might be two different groups. But I remember Angel telling me a long time ago that being big and strong and accomplishing my dreams and that I might hurt people, but not much.

I'm not sure I get how to be dominant without wanting to hurt people to show dominance that I am in control. But I don't want to hurt people, so I always held back... And Susi said Angel said the piece itself IS holding me back. So I think this is why I am stuck lately because I'm afraid being dominant towards people = hurting ppls or ppl won't listen to me anyways and obviously I don't want to hit them out of anger or something to get my way and where I want to go. So I want to learn what it really means to be dominant, to be who I am no matter what and not taking NO for an answer and making sure that when I say NO, in a way that sticks, but I think I get why now that saying NO to ppl isn't always effective because if I don't want to take no for an answer than others don't want to as well and they want to be who they are too, so they get to and I don't get to change that. So I need to practice saying no in a different way? I'm not sure I understand that.