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Storm of Awesome

Of all the people this program has changed – for better or worse – there are so few that speak out about it. There are many that give testimonials and wisdom and share the exercises and tell their friends but they never really… talk. So that’s what this blog is for. This matters to me, and in wanting to help lots of people, I’ll share. All of my Elfpath sharing needs will happen through here for at least a while.

This is about Me and my process. My experiences with Elfpath. How it’s helped me, what I learn, where I grow, what I struggle with. All the things.

Posted by on in Insights

                                                       Learning an Attitude of Service








Learning an Attitude of Service: 

  • Different from 'just doing'. Or doing 'because I have to'. The energy of these: Disgust, resentment, bored, frustrated, critical. Negative and from shadow.
  • Doing 'for' others, for the sake of someone else. To help. To aid. To assist. The energy of these: Joy, excited, much more light and flowy and selfless. Doing to help make someone elses life easier.

One Exercise:

Whenever you feel like you want attention, like you want someone to give you something, like you want to take from others, stop. Look around. Look for anything that you can do to help others instead. Look for ways you can give to others, instead of taking. If you can't find anything, ask. Offer service on purpose. 

Posted by on in Insights

There are lots of blogs, websites, and informational pages out there about "Managing your emotions". Many even go into detail about how to "control" emotions, and why that's important. So I'll give an attempt at giving a new perspective.

Since Elfpath, with personal experience, I've learned just the opposite is necessary. After years of bottling up inside and "coping" with emotions, controlling them [and building anger as a result of ignoring emotions ], getting in touch with them in the beginning can seem a lot like opening up a flood gate. First a little bit, then a lot, then the intensity lessens a bit as the system gets used to the changes. 

So what about the question?

A common question people ask, and many still do here at Elfpath is "How are you?" And usually, this question is aimed at whatever emotions a person might be feeling at the time. "Oh I'm okay/ I'm feeling sad/ Bored", etcetera. Sometimes, the person who is asked might start talking about the things they're "doing" or have done that day.  To me this feels a lot like identifying the Self by the emotions and doings of a person more than who that person IS.

Inadvertently this pattern says things like "I am [my job/hobby/to-do list]".

                                                           "I am [that feeling]"

And the last few months I stumbled over this question. Enough had changed in my perception of myself being different from the things I did in a day or felt at the time that for a while I didn't know how to answer. 

What does that mean?

The more I define myself as Me, who I am, and what I'm here for - the less I feel the need to define myself by the emotions and hobbies. 

  • There is a pattern in this process. At the beginning, most students say things like "I am sad/angry/scared", and then go on to give a well-thought out explanation. The trouble with this is that in saying things like this, a person is labeling themselves. It's like putting all of you and your body and everything that matters to you in a tiny little box and saying "this is me". This gives that emotion, however small, control over a persons identity. It takes away their personal power. 


  • As a student goes further along they might start saying things like "I have a sad/angry/scared/disgusted", and then actually try to SCAN out the emotion or if it's theirs or something they picked up on, and why. While this next step fits much better with an individuals process - and as they begin discovering more about who they ARE [as opposed to what they do and what they feel] - it still offers a pitfall. It adds ownership to an emotion inside the system. And in the case of energy-work, an emotion that might not even be theirs. And what do people do with things they 'have'? They tend to want to keep those things. There is also a risk of taking the emotions personally. However, this is the beginning of identifying the Self as different from the emotions inside, and gaining a deeper awareness of who a person is.


  • Later on in the process, however, a student might begin saying things like "There is a sad/tired/nervous", and then handle the emotion appropriately. Questions like "Is it mine?" "Why is it there?/What is this a response to?" matter a lot more. This makes the divide between who a person IS and what emotions they might have hanging around the system even wider. Who someone IS at their core [their Ka Ton] is not defined by the emotions inside of their system [theirs or otherwise]. They are different. So from that sense of personal power, a person can then handle the emotion much more easily. The emotion, in itself, has no power to define the person anymore. 

So what about managing them?

Here, students learn in Basic that anger is fear. When there is an anger, there is always a fear or insecurity sitting underneath it. Anger, however, as it builds becomes a poison to the system. It burns the senses, and can be physically painful. So if anger is there, just ground it. It's not the anger but the fear underneath it that matters. 

From the perspective of "There is [an emotion]", for students in Elfpath they can step into power on purpose. Sit in the guts. 

From there, emotions are just an energy that is affecting the system [theirs or someone elses]. As an energy, it can be shaped/sourced, released on purpose, and replaced with something healthier. This works in the case of a fear beneath an anger.

And this doesn't happen by trying to bottle up the emotions, ignoring their existence, or even putting Anger on a pedestal and calling useful [even healthy]. This happens by putting down the barriers and walls inside, opening up on purpose, and deciding to get to know the emotions inside. 

While emotions do not define a person, they can give important information. Emotions can show a person the things that matter to them, what they like or don't like, what sort of person they WANT to be [and maybe wanted to be their entire lives]. They add a richness to the lives of people, allow for relationships and bonds to be made, and so on. 


You don't "Manage" emotions like you manage a bank account [closed off until you need something]. This only lets the anger build inside. 

You live. And as you live, there are emotions. Like a testament that YOU exist and are living and care about things/people/places/ideas. 

Because there are emotions - your life is rich. And thus you live. 

It might help to look at each emotion as an experience. The ones stored inside from childhood are just experiences from long ago you get to actually experience now and let flow. The more you learn about them, the more you learn about yourself and what you came to do. And they do not ever define you. 

You ... Be You. 


Wordpress: http://stormofawesome.wordpress.com/2013/08/16/managing-emotions-how-are-you/

Posted by on in Personal journey

One cool thing about being a source [and not a senser] is that I get to learn ways of working in my system that are different from what sensers do. I've been so used to the senser techniques, I wanted to really 'understand' this idea that how I do is different from how I had been taught before. But it doesn't quite work that way. The brain can't get it.

The other cool thing? Once I quit trying to understand it so much, it's starting to make more sense.

Yesterday afternoon I got to seek out a young kid piece inside. It wanted to control and dominate others [and me] and be mean about it. Instead of trying to visualize the kid piece and work through the parenting steps and be an A3 about it [this is a kid needing a parent, so I should be an A3 about it, right?], I sat in my guts.

I held the focus that there was a young me inside, lower in the guts, and I could FEEL it. 

I STAYed in the guts.

And from the place I sat, I felt out the flow of what the kid was doing. And then I got a sense of what the flow should actually be. And then I fed the ideal flow in to override the messy stuff. 

I try to think about it, this probably shouldn't address the emotions and ideas and attitudes of the piece. But, everything inside and outside is just energy. What someone can see as a child running around doing things and talking and wearing clothes, I can glimpse - sure. And then I can tune in to the FEEL of it, the flow. If it fits, I can make it stronger. If it doesn't, I can override it with something healthier. 

This seems to work a lot better than trying to focus on all the nit-picky details of the piece I'm working on. It's like - if I can get a feel for the flow of the piece I want to work on and what needs done, and then do it with this method, the things I need to notice will probably become more obvious. And when in doubt, ask for help.

So why is this technique helpful? For whatever reason, with this method [and in my guts], inside work flowed much easier. It didn't take as long. I got more done. AND! It felt more FUN. The energy I held was more light and gentle and focused and play. That's exactly who I've been wanting to learn to be. Yay Me!


So! Hey Life!


Posted by on in Dreams

Let's say you went to sleep.

You're in a bed with sheets of certain textures and blankets of many colors. 

Maybe the air feels warm or cold, and there are people talking in another room.

Imagine that you start dreaming at some point. Colors, Lights, Sounds, Scents. Experiences and Adventures.

And then you wake up...

Sort of.

Your eyes open and you can see the room you're in and the things around you.

But there's one catch....

Some part of you wakes up, but your body is still asleep. 

It's like getting an intense view of the physical things around you as if the physical eyes were open, but your body won't move and you're stuck to it.

The cool thing?

You just might see more in the room than just the physical stuff.

This has happened a couple of times the last two nights, somewhere early in morning when the light starts to peep into the room.


The second night sleeping in the same room as Jacob, Gimli, and Kata, when she was sleeping Kata hit an angry. It felt a bit like a big snarling wanting-to-devour-something type of creature just outside of my line of sight. As if an a big angry dog were somewhere creeping just around where I could see. Thats when something in my subconscious seemed to wake up and I looked right at it, and then it went a bit hidey for a while. 

From there, I saw Jacob sit up and look right at me. He said "And ground", and then lay back in his spot. 

Last night I spent a long time adventuring in a series of my own dreams. This was the first night in a long time I seemed to go in and out of this dream as I pleased, like moving between rooms in a house. At some point... I walked into Gim's. 

I don't remember the details, and considering I remembered a LOT of details before getting on with my day, I should probably start a dream journal. 

Oh the mysterious things that happen when sleeping in the same room as other people. :)

Before leaving my apartment in East Lansing about a month ago, I napped on the couch. Same waking-up experience, and saw a dancing ghost in front of my refrigerator in this way. Clearly as if I could see another person standing in front of me. Touchable, but more ethereal and not solid. I seem more aware of the energy of people in this state as well. 


Posted by on in Day to day


Last night I got to learn West Coast Swing dancing from Jacob along with the others. Had a blast! And when we got back, after hanging out for a while, I decided to go to sleep. 

It wasn't happening. I was kind of in that uncomfortable space between being fully awake and being asleep for a while and when Jacob and Gim came into the room, I physically and energetically felt something inside breathe a sigh of relief and relax instantly. I was awake long enough to see Gim move around the room, and I don't remember seeing him actually get ready to sleep. 

This is the first morning in quite a while that I've woken up and not fallen back to sleep, whined about being awake, or just generally lagged for hours feeling sluggish or more tired. Yesterday was pretty close, but it seems each night I get to sleep in a room with other sources, the better my system feels about it. And the more sources, the better so far. 

It would be nice to be able to sleep without needing other sources around, and this is definitely a first for me, but for now... I can enjoy it. It's more learning that helps me understand source-people better and better, and myself as well.

Input by other sources:


--- Sleeping alone - When I wake up I feel a little uncomfortable and restless, tense. 

--- Sleeping with Sources - More relaxed and feeling more stable and maybe even a bit bigger. And the pack animal goes "^_^ pack".


--- I'm noticing these last two days I can actually sleep more easily. By myself I eventually fall asleep - sometimes it's okay - but definitely get wrapped up in thinking and such.

Posted by on in Personal journey

When I look on google for an image to convey the relationship I have inside with my parents, I get a combination of things. Most of the images are like this:

mom and dad?

Lots of being enamored with mom and dad, or at least the 'idea' of mom and dad. Thing is, the last few days I've had the chance to really start dealing with this. Both the real people with real feelings and real jobs - the ones that made mistakes sometimes that hurt, and the images I'd created inside to make them seem "Super" so everything would be okay. I can also call this denial, and a coping method for handling the big emotions [the ones I had no idea what to do with at the time]. 

In a lot of ways I feel like a yellow belt again. And maybe that's actually a good thing. I get to dive into deeper layers of experiences I've had that so many others have also had. I get to learn from them, and maybe learn better how to teach and help others.

The parent's fighting and feeling - as a child - that it's my fault somehow. Dad leaving, Mom criticizing - and the anger that I'd held onto. The sense of lonely and being forgotten. Feeling not good enough. Feeling guilty for having emotions and seeing these real people... as they were. And more sad-relief when someone finally tells me 'now' what I needed to hear then.

It's never a nice feeling, thinking somewhere inside the parents felt their fighting was more important than me. That my dads drinking was more important than me, and that I had to "try really hard!" and then try harder to "prove" I was worth something. And these are feelings I've held onto for a long time. And now... I get the chance to not only let them go... but forgive.




No matter where I go in this process and how far, there will always be young parts of me that got stuck somewhere along the way. They will have feelings and experiences, and I get to choose how to approach and handle them. But more than that.... 

I get to "learn" how to approach and handle them. Thankfully, I've got some awesome examples right here of how to get started. 

And maybe... just maybe... I'll be able to express more easily that I Love Mom&Dad... and mean it. That I can learn to honor them and say "thank you for that experience" because it's helping me become more of who I'm meant to be. The real people with real feelings and real jobs. So in advance, thank you.

Tagged in: Journal Thank You

Posted by on in Personal journey

Day 1 - July 2, 2013 - The Return

There is something about a really long bus ride followed by a really long airport haunting followed by a really long plane ride... that is just a bit draining. Next time I'll vote for the conveniently shorter trip, even if it's a bit more expensive.

But! I made it. And once I got here, these two were waiting along with Susanne and Myrthe. If I hadn't felt how much I missed having pack around during this last year, I felt it in this moment. Just being around other sources, something relaxes and lights up inside.

And though I've missed all the people, there are no people quite like pack-people. It's not an arbitrary role to fill, and though there was a long wait in between leaving last year and returning for this one, it was worth it.


(Gimli         - Storm -        Katherine)

From there, we headed back to Roh's place and of course we took a detour. There were trees and play things! How could I say no? It was a lucky thing that Gim had come prepared with quick noms as well or the detour might have been more arduous than fun.

After sitting by a tree and playing at the playground a little with Myrthe, Gim, Susanne, and Katherine, we went back to Roh's.

Upon returning to the house after almost a full year of being gone, Angel gave me a restriction. He enforced a 48 hour adjustment period. This means that no real deep inner workings get to happen. This also means, no fusing about not doing enough. Relax, GCB, SWEET - Basics basics basics. The real work comes later.

So, I sat. And ended up sitting on couch with two other sources and Angel on his couch. It was sooooo quiet and nice feeling. Just sat. More pls.

Before sleeping, I tried doing meta-minutes and just couldn't seem to focus enough to get it done. Instead, did breathing - intentionally and gcb and sweet. 

Day 2 - July 3, 2013 - Acclamating

There's something about sleeping in the same room as another bigger source. I haven't slept quite that easily in months. It was also a bit entertaining to have Gim hop into a dream of mine sort of as something noticed he not only woke up but moved around and did things and then there was no Gim. 

Practicing Awareness - In rooms with the things in it. In my own system and outside of it with emotions and energies. 

It lives! Lion is alive! It evolved! Watched it happen sort of! Omg! 

Spent a few hours whining and being mopey. Not useful. 

Self-Loathing thing: Inner racist stuff. In Angel words, "At some point you're going to have to deal with the racist thing. Not a fear of-, but that you are a racist"

Before heading to bed, I did my minutes and decided to sleep. The fun part about decisions and will? I don't have a timer to wake me up yet. 8am here I come!

Day 3 - July 4, 2013

Okay so my system decided 8am was really about 6:30am and that was an awesome to get up and out the door, with a smile even. 

Round 1: Wake up, Gim? Nope, try again later :).

Went for a run through the park. Last summer I rarely got up before the kids and parents started herding into the school on one side of the park, so there is usually more traffic and noise. This time, however, there were just a couple of dog walkers. I only saw a few parents towards the end of my run before deciding to head back and eat a thing. Even got to meet Roh on the way back and finish up the last stretch with company.

Round 2: Wake up Gim? Nah not really :)

Noms? Check

Meta-Minutes? Check

Petted the Lion? He doesn't like headbutts! So! check :)

Gim's awake!

Now the original plan on my part was to follow Gim around for this training thing [though I'd already started earlier] and get into the swing of things again. Somehow he ninja'd out the door. I actually left for another jog right as he was coming back. What the monkies? Or maybe I don't need to worry as much about 'doing it right' as I do about 'just doing it'. There's a flow. I get to be in it.

There's also this drive to tag along like a little puppy somewhere inside, and not sure I'm quite happy doing that all the time. Though I won't turn down a good sit with the sources.

-- Do I have something inside that WANTS to move? [This is weird, sources don't MOVE!], but I wonder a bit. Things like getting up in the morning when it's sunny and warm and beautiful outside. Making things happen, getting things and people moving. A forward focus.

Will keep an eye on. 

Posted by on in Day to day

At first I started this journal with the intent to tell a story. To go day by day and list every detail of everything that happened this last weekend. But there's something more important I want to make note of. Something I'd forgotten for a long time that a few friends helped me remember. 


This weekend wasn't just about making things happen against ridiculous odds where the tiniest important details seemed to slip through the cracks. Nor was it about finding ways to have a blast on short time and money. It wasn't just about petting ponies either.

This weekend I got to see people I haven't seen in years, play with kids I never met, teach simple little things to people who didn't think about those things before. I got to remember PEOPLE, and the importance of paying attention - to myself, to those around me, and even the place I'm in. And probably even more important, I got to remember what it's like to be a beginner.

Somehow I didn't get a picture of this horse. He's a seven year old 15hh-ish Tennessee Walker with the prettiest silver coat I've seen, and his name is Shakespeare. In a lot of simple ways, he reminds me of my horse. Stubborn, expressive, likes to move and move fast, and like most horses early in learning anything... doesn't trust too much, hasn't learned how yet. So there was this gap in communication where I got to slow things down a bit. I got to practice being clear and simple and consistent in what I asked of him, and praise him for even for the tiniest steps forward. All of them. 

And every step of the way I had a choice to make in how I wanted to be with him. Did I want to do what so many old timers and hard trainers do and use an element of fear to get him moving. Or did I want to do something different. What I learned is that I've still got a lot of my old habits taught from others in how to train, so there was a pause every moment where I had to actually think about what I wanted to do. But what I've gained since by growing, and learning, and through Elfpath is a deeper awareness that...I don't like doing things the old way.

I don't enjoy being hard and harsh and more worried about a fast result 'now' than being more focused on gaining a deep substantial one. Granted, my new way is a bit slower and sloppy and I get to gain confidence in it, but I liked how Shakespeare felt about the flow I chose and responded to it - despite some challenging moments. 

So, my choices: Gentle, Aware, Fun/Playful, Firm and Stubborn when needed, Soft when needed, Consistent and Focused. Me. Light.

Equally important as learning from someone else [a horse, in this case] I had the chance to learn from two students and friends of mine. In giving just because I could, I also had the chance to have others return the favor and even yay about it.

More and more lately the people in my life show me that I don't have to do everything on my own, I don't have to be big and strong for everyone all the time, and I can have happy too. So for this weekend, as I'd made it my task to show my friends this very truth... it was as if they had the same idea.

So, I got to spend four days with two very awesome beautiful people, and without them the entire weekend would not have happened at all. I had a blast, and it gets to happen again soon. Thanks guys :).
{ Tim/Bam Bam & Randy }

Randy and Bam Bam

And you too. Ten years together and still going, he always teaches me something new. :)
{ Wind Walker }
Wind Walker

Tagged in: Horse Journal Thank You

Posted by on in Day to day


Wrap Skirts! I have them! Along with a neat pair of pants!




So when at Roh's house last summer, I fell in love with the skirts she let me play with. And for this summer, I'd made it a goal to bring at least one back with me. And for some reason it never occurred to me to check a fair trade store in the meantime. When I did, I found these!

Posted by on in Uncategorized

“In learning you will teach, and in teaching you will learn.” ~ Phil Collins


So just about everyday someone teaches me something new. Even that thing is more or less a reminder of something I've recently learned, or already new... somehow someone manages to give me a new perspective on the same thing, or a chance to improve my understanding of whatever it is I've been working on.

In this case, the topic was Celebration. Finding a Yay, building the Yay, and ultimately Deciding HAPPY and that I not only want it... but can have it. And then taking little steps and making smaller decisions that agree with that. 

What's the exercise?

- Find a Yay - Everyone has something that makes them very happy. Some thing that just thinking about or seeing or hearing about makes them feel a bit warm and fuzzy, smile really big, maybe even laugh a little. Usually these are very simple things. 

  • Examples:
  •              Teddy - Fish, Babies, Dreaming/Dreams, Giving. 
  •              Jacob - Teddy's laugh. Music, Dancing.
  •              And me - Horses, Lions, Sources - source pack/headbutts, Dancing with the Flow/Music. And of course... Angel. 

Something cool about yay buttons: There's usually a pattern. In this case, as I'm on an A1f path and a source, a lot of what makes me grin really big and uncontrollably has to do with my process. Angel - a living representation of what I'm here to learn and do and share. Horses - they're just awesome and also happen to be pack animals [a bit like sources]. Source stuff - anything to do with source pack and how it operates and what makes sources SOURCES, being in the Flow, Dancing, Headbutts, Feet. 

And these are sometimes really silly things :). And that just makes this process more fun.

However, I guess I know I'm getting somewhere with it by two things:

  • I can feel it. I can see how it's working in how I change, how I respond, how I see the world, and how I talk to people. If I'm doing things with more integrity and with less forcing and shoving but more gentleness and flow and passion and smiles [and they're real].
  • Other people who need to learn this start coming to me. Sure, this means I have something to teach them. A thing that works and I'm doing it! But also... it sometimes represents something like an upgrade in the exercise and the doings. Means I get to do it MORE and life is handing me a way to do that, and even making it easy.

With this, not only do "I" get Happy and Yay. I get to help others have it too. And sometimes... it just means being aware of things that give them joy, and helping to remind people of those things. 

So, to those I teach - Thanks, I can only get better too.

And, whoever's already good at this - Thanks, you're an awesome example. 

Cheers to growing up. :)


Posted by on in Uncategorized

MSU Natural Area - Standing like a tree~

It’s been far too long since I’ve updated this blog, especially since the intent of the blog is to SHARE my experiences. So first – This is an image of me grounding like a tree in the MSU Natural Area by the river. I was on a ten second timer, so I had just that long to really ground. Was a fun challenge.

So what’s been up with me?

I graduate officially from Univeristy at the end of this month. Then I head over to the Netherlands for an entire three month internship with my teacher(s) and Source-Pack. From there, I’ll be heading to South Carolina. So this is huge! And what have I been realizing lately (accepting, even) despite all this craziness?

My Life… Is AWESOME!

But first a bit of back-tracking. After getting back from the Netherlands, things were fine and light for a while. And then at some point…life started challenging me a bit. If I wanted YAY and HAPPY, then it might help to get the parts inside that don’t actually want that to kick the bucket, right? That being said, I spent a few months on a kind of  roller-coaster. The type that bobs and weaves and twirls and all I wanted to do was control it and cling to the edges. Emotionally – on a guts level, but on a heart level as well. I was fighting it. This Love thing.

So what happened? I made a decision.

That thing I’ve spent most of my life letting ‘life do for me’ with a huge dose of passive and a complete lack of power. Even back in the days I sought church for counsel and sanctuary, there was this ever-present sense of distance and weakness. Someone else would decide [If I was worthy, if I mattered, if I was important enough]. Someone else [not me] would approve. And then my life would change.

Thing is… I reached a point where it wasn’t the approval of others I needed to accept. It was mine. So after a smooth start and a rocky intermission…I decided.

Now… there was and is a lot involved in not only deciding to let Love in my life. Starts with letting Joy in my life, and letting that Joy become Passion, and drive my life. And the more that happens… I love… my life. More and more. And it’s continuous. I even have off days :) .

  • The people in it. The moments I spend with them – everyone of them teaches me something just about everyday.
  • The places I’ve been – because I’ve been there. Whether I go somewhere new or not. Yay experience.
  • The person I’m getting to know, finally, because I decided to – Me.

So… For right now, this is me.

Have fun :) .